A Trembling Soul Made Still
“My first introduction to the song was just one line “You cannot yet my purpose see, but all is well since ruled by me” These were the words I heard in response to a prayer to God in a state of brokenness. I had just learned the day before that I may be facing a life threatening illness. I could not understand why I had to go through this…hadn’t I been through enough this past year? Why did You allow this? But then He answered in the still of night, with just a few words from a very old hymn written in 1875. As this experience unfolded this song brought me such peace that I ended up recording it in hope that others will also find solace in their time of brokenness.
The Story Behind the Song
No one likes to talk about the big “C” yes, Cancer! That was what my doctor called me in to talk about after the results for a routine checkup came back. “The results are not good, you are my most urgent patient right now, you will need to do surgery and possibly Chemo afterwards.” I was very aware of the urgency and seriousness of what I was being told, I began to put things in place. I contacted my boss and requested emergency leave. I signed all the insurance documents to be pre-approved for surgery. However, I wanted another test just to be sure before removing any of my organs. The doctor was reluctant to perform another test because delaying the surgery for another test could be to my detriment. She advised me that it was highly unlikely that the results would be any different. I told her that I am a Child of God and that I believed God had touched me. She responded with a smile, “I too am a Believer, but the science doesn’t lie.” Nonetheless, I was determined to get another opinion. I went to another doctor and presented the results and the case. He did a different test that was considered more reliable, but took two samples and sent them to two different labs for testing just to be safe.
At the age of 40 with three children, two in their teens and one under 12; I was faced with the possibility of not being there for them. I was scared, horrified, angry and sad all at once. Having just came out of a really rough patch in my marriage and finally finishing construction on our home, I had another battle to fight. I felt as though God was being unfair to me. Afterall, I had been serving Him for almost 20 years, doing my best to do the right things. My husband had only less than a year ago surrendered His Life to Him. Is this the thanks I get? I struggled to remain positive as I waited on the results and on the insurance company to respond. I tried my best not to dwell on those negative thoughts. I prayed, I cried and I kept asking why. One morning during my devotion I remember hearing “You are going to get two different results for the tests that you did. One will be good and the other will not be.” I thought it was silly and that could not be the Holy Spirit. I told my mom and my prayer partner. They both found it ‘interesting’. A few days later I was advised to query the status of the test results. Afterall this was urgent! I got the name of one of the labs and paid them a visit. I was advised to wait for the results. I sat patiently and nervously waiting. A lady handed me a letter with the results, looked me in the eyes and said “I am so sorry”. I stood there in disbelief! I opened the envelope and my fear was confirmed. I was now just angry and bitter. I was going to die! I would not see my children graduate from high school! I called my parents and told them the bad news. I began to unleash my frustration and anger with God over the phone. Both my parents had been Christians my whole life, so who better to complain to than them. Not to mention, I had kept the situation a secret from my children, I didn’t want to worry them. I needed to vent, cry and get it together before walking through the doors of my home. That I did. My dad prayed for me and so I was able to pull myself together and greet my children at the door with a smile. I was still boiling inside. I wanted to talk to God.
I went up the stairs to get into it. My husband was in our room waiting for me. He was sad and worried. I didn’t have the time for his grief at that point. I needed answers! I asked him to step out of the room and I began to pray. Well, quarrel with God is perhaps a better description. I cried, I fussed, I vented. In between these activities I would remind God not to strike me down for expressing myself so candidly and boldly. He answered not a word! I felt beaten and tired. I went to bed. Surprisingly, I fell asleep almost instantly! In the wee hours of the morning I was awoken to the words “You cannot yet my purpose see, but all is well since ruled by me”. The voice was so clear that I looked over at my husband thinking it was he who had spoken. It wasn’t. He was sound asleep. I said “repeat”. The voice spoke again. I got up and looked around the room just to be sure that no one was in the room with us. This was the answer from God. I began to repeat the sentence over and over. His presence filled the room and I began to cry and worship. I felt a peace come over me that to this day is unlike anything I have ever felt in my life! I understood for the first time what the song writer meant when he wrote “When peace like a river”. The situation was the same, but God had stepped in!
I searched up the words I had heard and learnt that it was an old hymn written in 1875. Those words brought me such comfort. The next night I awoke again in the wee hours of the morning, but this time to a different voice. The enemy….”You are going to die, you won’t even see your youngest son start high school. Afterall you did to keep your family together… You finished your home even when your husband wasn’t putting out the effort and he is the one who will get to live and enjoy everything.” The end of all things was staring me in the face with reminders of what I would never live to experience…. But the words I heard the night before started ringing in my heart again. I went to my study and just sat for a few minutes in silence reflecting on the words “all is well since ruled by me”. Then I heard that still voice, filled with peace speak again, “It is well can have two outcomes: I can heal you and it is well, or I can take you and it is well. Either way it is well”. This assurance somehow was enough. I began to reflect on all that God had allowed me to accomplish in my 40 years of life. I had experienced love, had the privilege of being a mother, I had obtained a PhD and was in a very good job doing what I loved. I lived in a beautiful home. God had just been good! At that point, I began praising God again. God had done enough. If He chose to do nothing else, it was OK. He had allowed me to experience His goodness in the land of the living for 40 years.
I had found peace in the midst of my brokenness. I began to patiently wait on the results and the approval from the insurance company. I felt at peace. I believed that I could face whatever came my way. A few days later the doctor contacted me. The other test result had come in. The result was good. No cancerous cells detected. It was as I had heard that morning in my devotion, one test was bad, the other was good. The doctor was puzzled and I was in shock that it unfolded as I heard in my devotion. The insurance company responded a day or so later as well. They did not approve the surgery. I was referred to another doctor who took another sample for testing to try to determine the way forward. At the end of it all, no cancer was found and only a minor surgery was required to remove abnormal cells. God showed up and everything changed!
As emotionally challenging as this situation was, I would not exchange it for the world! I was redeemed and transformed by God through this situation. I found a peace beyond comparison. I learned to be grateful for every moment that God lends me breath. I now live to fulfill His purpose for my life: “11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you” (Jeremiah 29:11-12). Whether God permits me to live for another month, a year or decades, I know my purpose. I am called to do His will: “Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction” (Isaiah 48:10).
Clay and Light Ministry 